I’ve been having trouble writing this post. I had an incredibly hard couple of days and although I wouldn’t say that I had urges I definitely had some self-destructive thoughts. I had a very late night and so I had less sleep, I forgot to take my medication so I was really not 100%, I was having a hard time emotionally dealing with some personal things and all of a sudden I thought about purging for the first time in ages just so that I didn’t have to feel what I was feeling. I thought about restricting and skipping lunch so that I could feel some kind of control in my day because I felt so emotionally raw.
I didn’t want to post that because I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed that after almost 4 years of being symptom free I still have these thoughts cross my path. While walking my dog this afternoon I realized that there is nothing to be ashamed of. My thoughts were just that, thoughts. They were not actions or even really urges, they just passed through my mind but for some reason I felt ashamed. I have no control over my thoughts, I do however have control over what I do with them and how much I let them effect my day. Honestly I gave them a little too much power and thought about it for a few minutes while my son was sleeping. I was able to put together a self-care list, go for a walk, drink water, and get some essential oils on my diffuser bracelet and I started feeling better.
There may be a day when these thoughts no longer darken my mind but for now I still have to be very aware of my vulnerability factors and refer to my newly created self-care list which maybe I’ll post later. I can not control whether the thoughts come but I can control how much of my day they take up and how much they dampen my mood. I can choose how they effect me (or don’t) and how they make me feel.
So for now I’m deciding that they will no longer make me feel ashamed because that’s giving them more power than they deserve. They will darken my days for as little time as possible and I will laugh at them, for they think they still have some pull over me.