The way I discovered my OWN ambiguity in recovery was by making a list of all the reasons to stay sick or to get better. Now don’t brush it off because we’ve all made this list 100 times. The key is in the next steps. Go through your list and rank all the items. Under “staying sick” rank according to things you refuse to live with (things that are never going to be ok), things you could live with but would prefer not to, and things that you really don’t care about but know you should. Under the “getting better” part, rank according to things you really care about, things that you don’t really care about and things you should care about but don’t.
Too many times when we make this list we make it full of things we SHOULD put down as reasons to get better or stay sick. By identifying these we can see where our true motivations lie and how to place reminders of those in our every day lives.
ie On my list, I had things like my physical health, my family, my husband, my job, social situations etc on my reasons to get better list, but I could live with or without them. The few things that were left on my list after removing all of the things I didn’t really care about or could have lived without I was left with one clear motivator – children. Having my baby hurt him/herself on my bony chest was never ok. Having my child weigh more than me before adulthood was NEVER ok, having my baby have birth defects, low apgar scores, developmental disabilities or (god forbid) miscarried or stillborn because of my lack of care is NEVER ok. (ps I understand some of these things happen anyways but I need to know I gave my baby the best shot at a happy healthy life).
Knowing what my motivator was at first made me really depressed (babies are so far away! 1-2 YEARS! What do I hang on to until then!?) but then I started realizing that there are ways to bring that goal closer to me. My friend bought me an adorable little baby bear outfit. I keep it in my nightstand. I keep a pair of either baby shoes or baby socks in my purse. There is a soother in the car. These CONSTANT reminders keep me focused on my goal.
This is a long post, I’m sorry but the gist is
- Make a list (or 2!)
- Rank the items (NEVER ok, sort of ok but would prefer not to, really couldn’t care less)
- Discover your motivations and place them wherever you can.
1. if you can’t find a motivator DONT GIVE UP you may just have to dig deeper
2. This only works if you are BRUTALLY HONEST with yourself