I went to a local consignment store today to get some summer clothes. My size changes too often for me to justify paying full price for clothes so I look for second hand clothes until my body sorts itself out and decides what size it wants to be.
As I was looking through the racks of clothes looking for shorts and work shirts, it occurred to me that I was not only looking at other people’s clothes, but the clothes that no longer fit them. Seeing as how I was looking at larger sizes, these were likely clothes people sold because they had lost weight and the clothes were too big (cognitive distortion alert!!). I donated a lot of my old clothes when I was losing weight and this was a really hard thing for me to face.
When I was losing weight I donated all of my old clothes knowing that I would never be that size again. I felt a sense of victory knowing that I didn’t need them any more and would never be able to wear them again. Looking through the racks of clothes, thinking about the victory the donaters must have felt made me feel incredibly defeated. Little did I know that not only would I need those clothes again, but that now, they would have been too small for my new body about 4 months ago.
It also got me thinking about something else – I was so quick to get rid of the clothes that were too big for me, but I am still hanging onto the clothes that are too small for me. I know realistically that they will never fit me again, and yet I still hold on to them. They are not in my closet or easily accessible but I still have them. Whenever I try something on in the morning and it doesn’t fit, I put it in a vacuum seal bag and when the bag is full, I seal it and put it away.
I don’t know why I am still holding on to them, but I know it will be a BIG day in my recovery journey when I decide it’s time to let them go.