I am so sorry. I feel that I need to apologize to the world for the struggles I’ve been having over the last few days. I don’t even really want to write about them, but I feel that my mantra has always been that honesty is paramount in recovery and our secrets keep us sick – unfortunately that means transparency.
I try to tell myself that the struggles I’m having are part of the up and downs of recovery; some days are easier than others, I’ve come across barriers and road blocks before; this is just a bigger, badder road block. This road block is actually more like a wall a thousand feet high and a thousand feet long – I see no way through, around or over it.
The past few days have been incredibly hard on me. I walk around on the verge of tears thinking about the choices before me, the same choices I’ve always had; continuing with recovery or giving in to the eating disorder. I have made this choice thousands of times in the last few years and for the last 16 months I’ve been able to choose recovery more often than relapse – the last 10 months have been exclusively recovery based choices.
A number of factors are effecting how I am feeling, I have said before that it is important to recognize your vulnerability factors whenever faced with hard times – see this page for the post on vulnerability factors.
- I am lonely. At the cottage I had people around constantly for 7 days. I know that I have a tendency to feel lonely, this can only be amplified after spending so much time around people. I know that this causes my emotions to be a little more raw than normal.
- I am tired. I was able to sleep in and nap at the cottage, but now that I’m back at home I’m waking up at 6am with the dog and unable to get to bed at a decent hour. I know that this makes me a little less rational.
- It is summer time. This generally makes things harder for me because all the coats and sweaters go away – there’s no more hiding my body and I have to face exactly what it has become. This brings feelings of shame and embarrassment. Summer also means that other people are walking around flaunting their tiny bodies, I am often struck with anger and jealousy towards them for absolutely no reason.
- I am feeling lost. There are no answers to my condition at the moment. I have gone through the entire “normal weight” BMI chart and am now bordering on “obese” according to my BMI. I know BMI is crap but I can’t shake the fact from my mind.
I am having a very hard time coming to terms with my weight in recovery. I have a lot of anger, shame, distrust of my team and frustration whizzing around my head. All anyone keep saying is that my body hasn’t reached it’s set point yet and so it is still gaining weight, that my setpoint may be much higher than anticipated. After gaining 70% of my body weight in the last 16 months, I have hit a wall. I expected to gain 30-40% based on my body composition and my family’s bodies. I know that my body will want to be at the high end of “healthy”. I also expected to overshoot this by about 10 – 15%. No one can explain why my body is continuing to gain, there is no medical reason why this is happening and I am having an impossible time living in this body.
My plan is to go through another pros and cons list with ranked entries (similar to my Conquering Willingness and Ambuguity post) and take a really good look at whether or not I am able to continue in recovery at this point. I am also planning on seeing a dietitian from my old treatment program who may have some insight into what is happening.
Recovery is a choice. Relapse is also a choice. I will not slip quietly back into my eating disorder, I recognize that it is a decision I make and take responsibility for that. There is no decision yet and there won’t be for another few weeks, but I will be sitting with this new weight for the next 2 weeks and taking a really hard look at recovery and relapse as options.
I am so sorry, again. Please don’t be disappointed. Please don’t be angry. Please don’t let this change how you see me.