My very best friend in the WHOLE wide world is getting married in just over a month. She was kind enough to ask ME to be one of her bridesmaids and I was honoured. I know that she loves me, we’ve been friends for 22 years and her family is a second family to me, but she has 2 sisters, a sister in law and her fiancé has a sister so I didn’t expect to be in the bridal party. I feel SO incredibly blessed to be such a special part of her day.
That being said, there is a lot of pressure that goes along with being in a wedding most of it (for me anyways) lies in my appearance. I am going to be in her wedding photos for the rest of time and it is almost normal in our society to diet and lose weight before being in a wedding (whether it is your wedding or someone else’s). My wedding was very anti-cliché and I actually managed to gain weight for my wedding (described here), something I am very proud of myself for.
So far I’ve been able to put off the thought that my body was constantly growing and I was going to be in my friend’s wedding in October but there comes a point when you can’t put it off anymore and reality comes crashing down – the dress fitting.
We bought our dresses in February, I bought mine a size bigger than the saleswoman said I needed to get because my weight was still steadily increasing. When I got the dress back in May I tried it on and it fit well, you’d never have guessed that I had ordered a larger size. I hung the dress up in my closet and forgot about it until a few days ago when my friend reminded me of our fitting with the seamstress at which point I panicked. Although my weight gain appears to be slowly crawling to a stop I have still gained a lot of weight since the last time I tried it on. I tried it on the night before the fitting and cringed when my husband couldn’t get the modesty panel to clip closed (it is a corset back dress, which leaves a little more freedom to change sizes).
I went to the fitting completely embarrassed, the seamstress did my wedding dress 16 months ago (I’ve gained about 65% of my body weight since then), my best friend was there with her mother and 2 sisters to also get their fittings done, they all needed to have the waists of their dresses taken in and here I was barely able to tie my dress closed. I was mortified.
Thankfully my friends knew better than to say anything and the seamstress was very kind. She has to take out the hips of my dress but other than that she thinks it’s going to be ok. I know that all she wants is for us to look and feel our best and her confidence gives me hope. It decimated my self-esteem to hear that my dress had to be let out to more comfortably accommodate my still-growing body but I know that I can not let that ruin my progress.
The scary thing is that my first instinct was that I had to restrict and fast for the next month so that I would look better in this dress, it’s terrifying that although I’ve been doing so well for so long my first thought is still to go back to my eating disorder to “solve” my problems. I went home, ate my snack and managed to fall asleep anyway.
I woke up this morning and tried to put the dress out of my mind. Regardless of what happens, I can not give my body another reason not to trust me. My dietician has been working with me nutritionally, trying to coax my metabolism into trusting me to feed my body and to restrict, even just a little bit would throw my whole body off-kilter.
So until my next fitting, I will keep the dress out of my mind and continue to eat the food I know I need to eat every 2-3 hours as prescribed by my dietician. I will continue to trust my body to take care of itself and continue to convince my body that it can trust me too.