About six months ago I wrote about dealing with tragedy in recovery – at the time my grandfather had just died and and I was struggling to keep up with my recovery while navigating my emotions around his loss.
On December 13th, 2013 I lost my mother. I went to her home to check on her with my husband after family members hadn’t heard from her. We found her laying on her bed as if she had laid down for a nap, called the police and stood outside her house while the whole world moved around me – it felt like I was standing still. I went through all the plans with my husband, walked through the visitation, funeral and burial as if in a dense fog. I will go into a little more detail a bit later but right now it’s important that I just write something here.
I’ve been having a hard time posting anything on my blog. I find myself unable to think about much other than my mom and I felt as if writing what happened would make it real. The truth is that my mother is gone, it has been 13 days and although it has gotten a little easier it still feels like a crushing weight.
The incredible thing in all of this is that my recovery has not suffered. My body image is AWFUL but I know that this is just the way my mind deals with pain. I have not been restricting or purging which is a major testament to my strength and just how far I’ve come in recovery. My eating patterns are all up in the air, my intervals are all off (sometimes I eat every 20 minutes, other times every 4 hours – sometimes I wake up at 4 in the morning starving and eat then), I have been eating a strange arrangement of junk food, snacks and meals at strange times, I have been reverting to some of my old eating patterns (the same old breakfast foods) but my dietitian is not worried at all. I am not restricting, purging or doing anything to endanger my recovery. I am feeling all the pain I need to feel, crying, talking about it and trying to pick up the pieces of my life in a world without my mom – but I am resorting to dealing with it in healthier ways than I ever thought were possible.
I can’t say exactly how I’m managing to pull it off but I will likely spend some time musing about that later. Right now, I’m doing well and spending time coping with the loss of my mom. I’m not doing much to push the boundaries of my recovery but I am in survival mode and for now, that’s enough <3 I’ll push for positive growth again when I’m back at work and my routine is stable again.
For now, stay strong and know that your strength will carry you through, even if you didn’t think you had it in you.