WHEW! So I havn’t written in AGES mostly because how do you write honestly about your life when you can’t share the biggest part of it! Well, we’re in the clear so it’s time to let the cat out of the bag… I’m PREGNANT!! It’s been a long wait for the right financial and emotional circumstances to make the thought of a child a real possibility. We had originally planned to start trying this September but waited until February when our lives solidified a bit. We announced officially last weekend, our puppy Rosie helped ^_^.
We will be expecting our little one November 30th, 2015 which makes me 13 weeks (just over 3 months) pregnant. We were waiting to officially announce the pregnancy until after the first trimester so we knew we would be safe (the first trimester is the most dangerous for the little one). We had an ultrasound already and I have another one scheduled tomorrow morning. We had our first doctor’s appointment and heard our little peach’s heartbeat! It’s amazing how real hearing a heartbeat makes all of this. I’ve known for about 10 weeks that I was pregnant, but hearing that little heartbeat brought the “holy crap, I’m having a baby” thought into my mind. I have a feeling that thought will cross my mind a few more times before this is over but this was the first time.
I’m feeling pretty good lately, definitely better than I felt even a few weeks ago. I was exhausted, sleeping 14 hours a day if I could and felt incredibly nauseous most of the time although I was only sick a few times (thankfully!). I can now make it through the day without a nap and think I may be able to wake up early and walk the dog next week, something I have really missed in the last couple of months but I needed every bit of sleep I could get. We are not going to find out if we’re having a girl or a boy, we are happy with either and are excited for the surprise. A lot of people question our decision but I find that the wait will be worth it.
It’s hard going through this without my mom but I feel her close to me and my mother-in-law is taking VERY good care of me, once I mentioned in passing that I wanted some noodle soup but didn’t know where to get it at 9pm and a few days later my mother-in-law dropped off a giant container of homemade turkey noodle soup (22 cups worth for the freezer).
I can’t believe that I’m finally here. 2 years ago when I was fighting in the early days of recovery I remember crying inconsolably because I had found my motivation for life (having children) but that dream was years away and I felt as if I couldn’t hold onto it. I had the admittedly genius idea of bringing my motivation closer to me so I kept baby socks close to me at all times to remind me of the future that I was working for. The dream was far away but I kept the reminder close to me which really helped. I had baby socks in my wallet, my car, my bedside table, under the living room table, in my desk at work – EVERYWHERE. Well, here I am. I havn’t needed those little socks for a while but it was nice to keep them close but now I really don’t need them! I have a little person with me all the time, which is amazing and according to my husband incredibly creepy. It’s just amazing that after all the hard work that I did and all the battles I fought everything is paying off and I have the one thing that I’ve always wanted.
It hasn’t been easy and there have definitely been some eating disorder thoughts crossing my mind but I am able to just let them pass me by. This may get more difficult later on in the pregnancy but for now I have it under control. I want to be completely honest with you, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, those nasty thoughts have not magically left me over the past 2 years but they are a much smaller part of my life now. I still get them but I am able to push them aside. When I was going through the early stages of recovery people often told me about how wonderful recovered life was, the thoughts were gone completely and they felt so much better all the time! That may have been true for them but I felt as if I was wrong in my experience because I was still getting the thoughts and feeling the crap – that’s why I think it’s important to not gloss over the crap, it may not exist for you but if it does that’s totally normal.