So far my pregnancy is going along swimmingly, which is a major relief. Honestly, we weren’t sure I would be able to have children with all the torture I’ve put my body through over the last 10 years especially, so this really is a dream come true. The statistics on women with a history of eating disorders being able to conceive or carry to the second trimester are staggering, I was actually pretty terrified. The fact that I am doing so well and baby is flourishing speaks to how healthy my body is now, even though it’s not the shape I would like it to be. I am healthy, the baby is healthy and growing perfectly, and I am over the moon.
Just because I’m so happy doesn’t mean that my eating disorder doesn’t like to turn it’s ugly head every once and a while. Although I haven’t gained any weight yet (actually I’ve lost a couple pounds but no one is concerned about it), my belly is getting huge! It’s a nice round baby belly with my little one swimming around inside but the sheer size of it is a little off-putting. My mind gets in bully mode and starts talking about how big I am and how much weight I would like to use. It starts yelling at me about my cravings and foods I’m eating that would never have been allowed in my days of illness. In fact, almost all of the rules are flying out the window which is both freeing and terrifying. My mind likes to pipe in with what the people around me might be saying to themselves or thinking about me, all of which I have 0 evidence for.
I just remember that this is temporary and no one knows what will happen to my body after the baby. Now is the time to nourish myself and my little one not think about altering my body. I need to focus on the miracle that is growing and going to be a very real part of our lives in about 5 months. Although the voice in my mind is quieter than it ever has been, it is still there. I will not allow it to get in the way of my dreams, I will push it aside and continue on living my life, this beautiful life that I am creating for myself and my family.