Holy cow what a series of a few months. Here’s a bit of a personal update and I’ll get some real content up sometime soon.
Pregnancy is phenomenal but exhausting. I’m currently 24 weeks (around 6 months) and loving every minute. I could do without the heartburn but even that’s alright! At 20 weeks it’s protocol to get an anatomy ultrasound to look at all the structures of the developing baby, it can be a little nerve wracking because if there is something wrong chances of finding it during this ultrasound are very good. Well, our little one did beautifully! 2 arms and legs, liver, 2 kidneys, a cute little bladder and stomach, 4 pumping heart chambers and measuring exactly on time (they measure the length of the baby to see how “old” it is). We could have found out if we were having a boy or a girl at this appointment but we decided not to, part of me is worried about the surprise – my need to organize and plan is overwhelming – but at the same time I’m excited about the surprise and think that it’ll be more than worth it. I’m starting to feel tired again but otherwise I’m doing very well! I was a little bit worried because I hadn’t gained any weight until 21 weeks but everyone told me not to worry, the baby was growing and developing perfectly – some people just don’t gain weight until later on. Well, I’ve started gaining a little bit which puts my mind at ease.
I only have 3 months left of work and I can’t wait! Staying at home with my little one on maternity leave for a year and watching my life change. It hit me the other day while I was driving home that my whole life is about to change. This little one growing inside my belly will be on the outside! Soon life will be all about diapers, sleep routines, feedings and teeny tiny baby clothes. Right now it’s about 10% of my life, I’m creating my baby registry and planning the nursery decorations and furniture, doing LOTS of research and reading. Soon these objects will start to make their way into our new house, and then it’ll start to feel real! Baby baths, a crib, setting up my armchair, I’m so excited I could burst! OH AWESOME NEWS!! I just got off the waitlist for the local midwives and I have my first appointment TOMORROW!! I have wanted a midwife for almost 2 years and sent in my paper work at 3 1/2 weeks pregnant, the moment I got a positive test. I’ll do another pose about my birth plans and thoughts on midwife vs OBGYN but for now, I’m IN and over the moon.
Life at home is a little crazy! We bought a new house which required wallpaper stripping, painting, pulling up carpets, restoring floors etc. It was a lot of work but after it was all done we moved everything into the house. Now we have a mishmash of our things, my mom’s things that we kept after she passed and some furniture from my Grandmother who passed this May. Organizing it all and finding new homes for everything is a lot of work but it’s coming along slowly.
I still can’t believe that this is all happening. I worked SO hard for SO long in order to be healthy enough to have a baby and now I have a beautiful healthy daughter or son getting stronger every day, waiting to join us in the world. Sometimes I think back to how desperate I was to recover, how I felt hopeless and as if I would never get better. I think about how I wanted to get better but couldn’t find the motivation to pull me out of the pit, how having a family gave me hope but it seemed so far away – I cried for days trying to hold onto something, anything that could help me pull myself out of my eating disorder (read about how I identified and overcame my ambiguity in recovery here). I think about how I went and bought baby socks, put them everywhere to remind me why I was fighting; and how I can now put those socks in a little drawer in a nursery so in a few months my little one can wear them. Sometimes I feel really humbled when I think about the intense fight of the last couple of years and how grateful I am that I’m on the other side.
For the first time in a long time I feel happy, truly happy for long periods of time. It has been one heck of a year so far and after my mom passed away in December I thought I’d never be the same again. Yoga teacher training helped heal me and that’s when I started really feeling peaceful in my life, around January or February. That’s not to say it hasn’t had it’s downsides; my grandmother passing, a lot of work on past traumas, the fears and stresses that come with changing your whole life. Generally though I stop sometimes and the only thought in my mind is “I’m happy”. I never thought that would be possible for me, my mind used to be plagued with thoughts and guilt cycles, a constant voice and dictator running my life. Now, it’s quiet and peaceful, I feel serene and genuinely happy.