On Saturday I took my routine screening test for gestational diabetes. I didn’t think much of it, I was worried but it wasn’t too big a deal.
So, on Saturday early in the morning off I went to get my test done. I drank a strange tasting orange drink (which was actually pretty triggering eating disorder wise – I’ll go into this later) and waited for an hour for them to take my blood. They took my blood and I went home, carrying along with my day.
Today I got a phone call saying that my test came back as high and I needed to go for more testing. I have to go for a 3 hour test as soon as possible. I’ll fast for 12 hours (I’ll have to do this overnight) and then go to the lab. I’ll have my blood drawn, drink more of this drink and then have my blood drawn an hour, 2 hours and 3 hours later. After a few days I’ll have my results.
Given my score on the first test there’s a 64% chance I have GD and I am terrified.
The issue with GD (Gestational Diabetes) is that I am with the midwives now and if you have GD you’re considered to have a high risk pregnancy. That means you are placed under the care of an OBGYN and have to give birth in the hospital. Thankfully that’s not the first line of action, first you have to go to nutritional counselling to see if you can get the diabetes under control and if you can’t then you are sent to an endocrinologist and put on insulin. The midwives are still involved in your care but they are purely supportive. I was really hoping to have a home birth and be as far away from the hospital as possible, I know that things change and I will obviously do whatever is best for the baby but I really had my heart set on a home birth.
The bigger issue is that if it turns out that I DO have GD, I will have to attend this nutritional counselling. All of a sudden I’ll be thrown back into a world of writing down what I eat, counting calories, tracking carbs and physically measuring the impact of the foods I eat on my body (blood sugar). This is the part I am most scared of. I’m crying just thinking of it. The test itself was triggering enough.
When I was really sick I used to drink these awful tasting laxative drinks that tasted like cherry (the only flavor I could keep down). They were AWFUL but I was desperate to clean out my system so I chugged it and waited. At one point I was drinking them 3 or more times a week, on top of my very limited calorie intake. The drink that they make you drink reminds me of this drink. It’s orange flavoured instead of cherry but it is sickly sweet and had this strange tangy after taste. The thought of drinking another one makes me anxious, and I have to drink 2.
When I think of the chaos of those times, the times when I was sick, it’s easy to get caught up in the chaos of the time. Very quickly I am reminded of the insanity of my life back then; the desperation, writing down every morsel of food (including gum and mints), the need to know exactly how my food was effecting my body (hydration, waste, weight, measurements). Quite frankly it was insane and even the thought of flirting with that world again (even if it is medically prescribed) makes me weep.
Anyways, given my schedule over the next couple of days I won’t be able to take the test until Friday morning and today is Tuesday. I *might * be able to do it tomorrow morning but I have a really important call at 11am and the test wouldn’t be over until 10:30am so that’s cutting it a little close.
I want to get it over with as soon as possible so that I can relax if it’s negative but I have a lot going on at work so I can’t take the morning off to do the test and fasting all day during the day is just a straight up bad idea.
All of this being said, I may be freaking out for no reason. There’s still a 46% chance that I don’t have GD and everything will be just fine. If anything, this has just reminded me of just how much relapse terrifies me, how much the depth of my disorder in the first place terrified me. Sometimes I forget just how bad it was, or I remember but on a purely intellectual level. Feeling the emotions that would come along with a relapse of any kind, or even being exposed to that world again has rocked my world today. I’m worried and exhausted from just worrying.
I’ll put an update up when I have the results of the next test, wish me luck!