Well, it’s official – I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes.
So far I still don’t know very much about it the plan but after a few appointments with various people I should know more. What I do know is:
I am still in the care of the midwives. I am being sent to consult with an OBGYN but for now they are just precautionary. If I can keep my sugars under control I will likely not be transferred to an OBGYN full time. It’s only if I need medication or insulin to control the sugars that I will be transferred. So, here’s hoping that diet and exercise are enough. If things are going REALLY well, there might even be a chance I can still deliver at home.
I am also being sent to a local nutrition counselling centre where I will talk with a dietician and get my glucometer. I will have to test my blood sugars likely 4 times a day to begin with and track what they are. The dietitians at the nutrition centre will likely want me to keep a food diary and count calories, keeping track of everything that enters my mouth and being aware of macronutrient ratios – nothing new to me but incredibly triggering. I will then only see my own dietician, I’m hoping we can make this work with the choice system I had in program instead of going back to the grams of carbs and precise calorie counts. It’s still a step backwards, but it’s not a giant leap. My dietician knows how worried I am about all of this and how scared I am of slipping back into old patterns, and more afraid of being unable to break them again so I know she is on my side. I was talking to my psychologist yesterday and told her that even though I am 2 years symptom free next week, it feels like it doesn’t count – having to start tracking my food again, go back to low fat and diet foods, start questioning the foods I eat and limiting (and likely cutting out all together) the treat foods feels like a controlled relapse. She encouraged me by saying it’s not a controlled relapse, to relapse I would have to be re-engaging in ED behaviours again and not just applying new diet rules to my intake. I will clarify this with my dietician when I see her on Saturday because it’s still a very big gray area to me.
Although I am still very afraid and anxious about all of this, I think I can handle it. I need a few more answers before I can get into the swing of things but for now I feel pretty settled with it. I noticed that last week my mind frame was reminiscent of old patterns – thoughts like “ED is so strong, what if I just can’t get out of it again? What if I can’t pull back out of these eating patterns?” I began feeling like whether or not I fell back into ED was up to fate, either I would or I wouldn’t and I had no power over it. This week I’m starting to recognize that I have every say in it and it was overcoming this “up to fate” mindset that helped me pull out of my ED in the first place. I dug myself out once and if I need to, I will dig myself out again. I am driving this bus and I am strong enough to keep it on track.
It’s going to be one hell of a fight but I have an amazing support system, a lot of people on my side who are looking out for me and a number of people who love me and would do anything to help. Like a little train once said, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can”.