So this week has been a crazy one. Lots of ups and downs but I wanted to get my appointment today finished before I did an update here – anything else would only be half the story. So – here it goes!
First of all, I hate gestational diabetes. I’ve spent the last week tracking my blood sugars when I wake up and an hour after every meal, which honestly isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The worst part is that immediately I see how what I eat effects my body which brings back a whole lot of guilt, thoughts and thinking so much more about EVERYTHING that goes in my mouth. Suddenly my mind (which I was used to being fairly empty lately) was FULL of old thoughts about food and nutrition.
The first week was a bit of a learning curve, my morning numbers were a bit high and I couldn’t figure out my breakfasts but generally other numbers were ok. I was playing around with my food a bit trying to figure out what set off my high sugars and what didn’t, stressing out about eating enough while needing to lower my carb intake and trying to adjust for all the different macronutrients and factors. I ended up with about 28% high numbers which I figured for my first week was pretty good! I was starting to get the hang of it and so far this week has been perfect.
I had my midwife appointment, the first time since I’ve talked to them since the GD diagnosis. They talked as a team and do not feel comfortable letting me give birth at home so I will have to be at the hospital. This terrifies me for SO many reasons. The last thing I want is to be induced, poked and prodded, and surrounded by the chaos that I know goes along with the hospital scene. They said that unless something is really wrong the baby will stay in my room and not be taken to the nursery. We talked a lot about what I could expect and what might happen. Of course a lot of these things might change but for now I am feeling terrified, vulnerable, out of control and completely at the mercy of the medical system – powerless.
I cried in my appointment and for 2 hours afterwards. Not even the kind of cries that come and go for that time but constant leaking eyes and tears for 2 hours. I was so scared, so un-grounded and felt so alone. I knew I needed to get my feet back on the ground and breathe so I went to yoga. I barely said a word to anyone when I got there and could tell that people could see my red puffy eyes by the looks I was getting. A friend walked in the studio, stood there and just stared at me. I told her I couldn’t talk now and not to hug me and said we would talk later. Class was exactly what I needed, the breathing and having my body move intuitively was enough to pull me out of my head and put my feet on the ground. I could now talk about my feelings and my fears – maybe I’ll go into them here one day.
Today I heard from the diabetes centre and they want to send me to an endocrinologist which I do NOT agree with. It’s only been a week, most of my numbers were fine (they told me it had to be 50% good) and there’s not enough data in a week to see any kind of a trend. I felt betrayed, here I was again being pushed back on the medical conveyor belt. High number, lets send you to a doctor for meds (and definite transfer of care from the midwives) when I havn’t even had a chance to really look at what my sugars are doing. I argued with the diabetes centre and they basically said sorry but we have to recommend it to the midwives.
I called the midwives right away and told them what happened – I asked them for another week to get control of this and they agreed with me. Next week if my numbers are too high they will send me for another consult but for now I have a week to get my numbers under control.
Pretty much 10 minutes later I had my OB appointment hahaha to talk about the diabetes and how she wants to proceed. She said that if my numbers get too high or stay at 30% high I’ll be on insulin by 32 weeks. I’m not concerned at this point because I feel like I’m finally getting ontop of this. Next week if my numbers are high I will go to the endocrinologist and go to the next step but for right now I just need to be given a chance which thankfully the midwives have given me. The OB said that unless I go on medicine to control my sugar I don’t need to see her again which is an amazing relief. She seemed to be really chill about it all as long as I can keep my numbers down. That means watching what I eat and moving a lot more which I’m ok with. She really helped me feel more comfortable saying that even if the midwives are not my primary caregivers the doctors at the hospital will often let the midwives take care of the mom as they normally would as long as they were there for the whole labour which mine would be so there is hope there.
Other than that things are going ok, my mind is having a lot of strange food thoughts and urges but I am coping. The biggest thing now is the fear and emotions going along with the hospital birth and proceedures at the hospital. Our prenatal classes are offering a hospital tour on Tuesday which I might go to. I’ve already been to one with this class but that was before I knew that I would have to be in the hospital and I have so many more questions now. I think the extra tour will be helpful, and will help prepare me for whatever is coming. The more I know and the more questions I can have answered the better I will feel.
Gah this is way too long already, more updates to come but I’m going to finish this one for now.